If you or a loved one is dealing with loss, it can be helpful to learn more about the grieving process. Here we share the 5 Stages of Grief, along with a few ways to help someone who is grieving after a death or breakup.
It's important to remember that the grieving process can be complex, and it isn't the same for everyone. These steps may not be followed exactly, or other feelings may surface after you thought you were through the stages of grieving. Allowing room to experience grief in your own way can help you heal after loss.
The 5 Stages of Grief
The 5 Stages of Grief is a theory developed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. It suggests that we go through five distinct stages after the loss of a loved one. These stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.
In the first stage of the grieving process, denial helps us minimize the overwhelming pain of loss. As we process the reality of our loss, we are also trying to survive emotional pain. It can be hard to believe we have lost an important person in our lives, especially when we may have just spoken with them the previous week or even the previous day.
During this stage in grieving, our reality has shifted completely. It can take our minds time to adjust to our new reality. We reflect on the experiences we've shared with the person we lost, and we might find ourselves wondering how to move forward in life without this person.
This is a lot of information to explore and a lot of painful imagery to process. Denial attempts to slow this process down and take us through it one step at a time, rather than risk the potential of feeling overwhelmed by our emotions.
Denial is not only an attempt to pretend that the loss does not exist. We are also trying to absorb and understand what is happening.
The second stage in grieving is anger. We are trying to adjust to a new reality and are likely experiencing extreme emotional discomfort. There is so much to process that anger may feel like it allows us an emotional outlet.
Keep in mind that anger does not require us to be very vulnerable. However, it may feel more socially acceptable than admitting we are scared. Anger allows us to express emotion with less fear of judgment or rejection.
Anger also tends to be the first thing we feel when starting to release emotions related to loss. This can leave us feeling isolated in our experience. It can also cause us to be perceived as unapproachable by others in moments when we could benefit from comfort, connection, and reassurance.
How Anger Can Affect Your Health
When coping with loss, it isn't unusual to feel so desperate that you are willing to do anything to alleviate or minimize the pain. During this stage in grieving, you may try to bargain to change the situation, agreeing to do something in return for being relieved of the pain you feel.
When bargaining starts to take place, we often direct our requests to a higher power, or something bigger than us that may be able to influence a different outcome. Bargaining during the grieving process can come in the form of a variety of promises, including:
- "God, if you can heal this person, I will turn my life around."
- "I promise to be better if you will let this person live."
- "I'll never get angry again if you can stop him/her from dying or leaving me."
There is an acute awareness of our humanness in this stage of grieving; when we realize that there is nothing we can do to influence change or create a better end result.
Bargaining comes from a feeling of helplessness and gives us a perceived sense of control over something that feels so out of control. During bargaining, we tend to focus on our personal faults or regrets. We might look back at our interactions with the person we are losing and note all the times we felt disconnected or may have caused them pain.
It is common to recall times when we may have said things we did not mean and wish we could go back and behave differently. We also sometimes make the drastic assumption that if things had played out differently, we would not be in such an emotionally painful place in our lives.
During our experience of processing grief, there comes a time when our imaginations calm down and we slowly start to look at the reality of our present situation. Bargaining no longer feels like an option and we are faced with what is happening.
In this stage of grieving, we start to feel the loss of our loved one more abundantly. Our panic begins to subside, the emotional fog begins to clear, and the loss feels more present and unavoidable.
In those moments, we tend to pull inward as the sadness grows. We might find ourselves retreating, being less sociable, and reaching out less to others about what we are going through. Although this is a very natural stage in the grieving process, dealing with depression after the loss of a loved one can be extremely isolating.
If you or a loved one are struggling with depression, contact the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357 for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database.
The last of the 5 Stages of Grief is acceptance. When we come to a place of acceptance, it is not that we no longer feel the pain of loss. Instead, we are no longer resisting the reality of our situation, and we are not struggling to make it something different.
Sadness and regret can still be present in this phase. But the emotional survival tactics of denial, bargaining, and anger are less likely to be present during this phase of the grieving process.
Click Play to Learn More About the Stages of Grief
This video has been medically reviewed by David Susman, PhD.
How Long Do Grief Stages Last?
There is no specific time period for any of these stages. One person may experience the stages quickly, such as in a matter of weeks, whereas another person may take months or even years to move through the stages of grieving. Whatever time it takes for you to move through these stages is perfectly normal.
As we consider the 5 Stages of Grief, it is important to note that people grieve differently. So, you may or may not go through each of these stages or experience them in order. The lines of the grieving process stages are often blurred. We may also move from one stage to another and possibly back again before fully moving into a new stage.
Your pain is unique to you, your relationship to the person you lost is unique, and the emotional processing can feel different to each person. Take the time you need and remove any expectations of how you should be performing as you work through the grieving process.
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Get Advice From The Verywell Mind Podcast
Hosted by Editor-in-Chief and therapist Amy Morin, LCSW, this episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast shares how you can stay mentally strong while you cope with grief.
Additional Grieving Process Models
Although the 5 Stages of Grief developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross is considered one of the most easily recognizable models of grief and bereavement, there are other models to be considered as well. Each one seeks to explain how grief may be perceived and processed.
These models can provide greater understanding to people who are hurting over the loss of a loved one. They can also be used by those in healing professions, helping them to provide effective care for grieving people who are seeking informed guidance.
Four Phases of Grief
Legendary psychologist John Bowlby focused his work on researching the emotional attachment between parent and child. From his perspective, early experiences of attachment with important people in our lives, such as caregivers, help to shape our sense of safety, security, and connections.
British psychiatrist Colin Murray Parkes developed a model of grief based on Bowlby's theory of attachment, suggesting there are four phases of mourning when experiencing the loss of a loved one:
- Shock and numbness: Loss in this phase feels impossible to accept. Most closely related to Kübler-Ross's stage of denial, we are overwhelmed when trying to cope with our emotions. Parkes suggests that there is physical distressexperienced in this phase as well, which can lead to somatic or physical symptoms.
- Yearning and searching: As we process loss in this phase of grief, we may begin to look for comfort to fill the void our lovedone has left. We might do this by reliving memories through pictures and looking for signs from the person to feel connected to them. In this phase, we become very preoccupied with the person we have lost.
- Despair and disorganization: We may find ourselves questioning and feeling angry in this phase. The realization that our loved one is not returning feels real, and we can have a difficult time understanding or finding hope in our future. We may feel a bit aimless during this portion of the grieving process and retreat from others as we process our pain.
- Reorganization and recovery: In this phase, we feel more hopeful that our hearts and minds can be restored. As with Kübler-Ross's acceptance stage, sadness or longing for our loved one doesn't disappear. However, we move toward healing and reconnecting with others for support, finding small ways to reestablish some normalcy in our daily lives.
7-Stage Model of Grief
Some suggest that there are seven stages in grieving instead of only four or five. This more complex model of the grieving process involves experiencing:
- Shock and denial. Whether a loss occurs suddenly or with some advanced notice, it's possible to experience shock. You feel emotionally numb and may deny the loss.
- Pain and guilt. During this stage in grieving, the pain of the loss starts to set in. You may also feel guilty for needing more from family and friends during this emotional time.
- Anger and bargaining. You may lash out at people you love or become angry with yourself. Or you might try to "strike a bargain" with a higher power, asking that the loss be taken away in exchange for something on your part.
- Depression and loneliness. As you reflect on your loss, you may start to feel depressed or lonely. It is in this stage in grieving that you begin to truly realize the reality of your loss.
- The upward turn. You begin to adjust to your new life, and the intensity of the pain you feel from the loss starts to reduce. At this point in the grieving process, you may notice that you feel calmer.
- Reconstruction and working through. This stage in grieving involves taking action to move forward. You begin to reconstruct your new normal, working through any issues created by the loss.
- Acceptance and hope. In this final stage of the grieving process, you begin to accept the loss and feel hope for what tomorrow might bring. It's not that all your other feelings are gone, just more so that you've accepted them and are ready to move on.
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How to Help Someone Who Is Grieving
It can be difficult to know what to say or do when someone has experienced loss. We do our best to offer comfort, but sometimes our best efforts can feel inadequate and unhelpful.
Here are a few tips to keep in mind if someone you love is going through the stages in grieving:
- Avoid rescuing or fixing. In an attempt to be helpful, we may offer uplifting, hopeful comments or even humor to try to ease their pain or "fix them." Although the intention is good, this approach can leave people feeling as if their pain is not seen, heard, or valid.
- Don't force it. We may want so badly to help and for the person to feel better, so we believe that nudging them to talk and process their emotions before they're truly ready will help them faster. This is not necessarily true and can actually be an obstacle to their healing.
- Make yourself accessible. Offer space for people to grieve. This lets the person know we're available when they're ready. We can invite them to talk with us but remember to provide understanding and validation if they are not ready just yet. Remind them that you're there and not to hesitate to come to you.
Resources for People in Stages of Grieving
Several organizations provide information or assistance for people going through the grieving process. Regardless of where you are in the stages in grieving, you may find help via entities such as:
- AARP, for articles on grief and loss
- Grief.com, which covers all types of grief, also providing grief workshops and access to free resources
- HOPE for Bereaved, for anyone who has experienced loss through death
- Hospice Foundation of America, grief support before, during, and after a loved one's death
- OptionB, for people who want to bounce back after a painful experience
- The Compassionate Friends, help for people who've lost a child
Why the Grieving Process Isn't the Same for Everyone
A Word From Verywell
It is important to remember that everyone copes with loss differently. While you may experience all five stages of grief, you might also find that it is difficult to classify your feelings into any one of the stages. Have patience with yourself and your feelings in dealing with loss.
Allow yourself time to process all your emotions, and when you are ready to speak about your experiences with loved ones or a healthcare professional, do so. If you are supporting someone who has lost a loved one, such as a spouse or sibling, remember that you don't need to do anything specific. Simply allow them room to talk when they are ready.
Making Life Decisions After Experiencing Loss
The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief.Which stage of grief is the hardest? ›
Depression is usually the longest and most difficult stage of grief. Ironically, what brings us out of our depression is finally allowing ourselves to experience our very deepest sadness. We come to the place where we accept the loss, make some meaning of it for our lives and are able to move on.What are five stages of grief and what strategies can help manage grief? ›
The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Most people will experience the various stages of grief in a different order. It helps to acknowledge and share your grief with others, which may help you find meaning in loss.What are five 5 ways a person can take care of himself herself during the grieving process? ›
- Get your sleep. ...
- Awaken your senses. ...
- Nourish your body with healthy foods. ...
- Make a routine. ...
- Breathe. ...
- Move your body. ...
- Hygiene still matters. ...
- See your doctor.
If left untreated, complicated grief and depression can lead to significant health problems, emotional damage, and more.Why is it important to learn about grief? ›
Grief teaches us that we should live every day creating memories that will comfort us after our loved ones are gone. Grief teaches us about our feelings. Grief teaches us that it is necessary to grieve. It allows us to move forward.Which stage of grief lasts longest? ›
Depression and sadness sets in once you accept reality. This is the longest stage because people can linger in it for months, if not years. Depression can cause feelings of helplessness, sadness, and lack of enthusiasm.
It's common for the grief process to take a year or longer. A grieving person must resolve the emotional and life changes that come with the death of a loved one. The pain may become less intense, but it's normal to feel emotionally involved with the deceased for many years.How many days should you grieve? ›
There is no set timetable for grief. You may start to feel better in 6 to 8 weeks, but the whole process can last from months to years. You may start to feel better in small ways. It will start to get a little easier to get up in the morning, or maybe you'll have more energy.What are 3 things you can do to comfort a grieving person? ›
The keys to helping a loved one who's grieving
Don't let fears about saying or doing the wrong thing stop you from reaching out. Let your grieving loved one know that you're there to listen. Understand that everyone grieves differently and for different lengths of time. Offer to help in practical ways.
- Be prepared. Anniversary reactions are normal. ...
- Plan a distraction. ...
- Reminisce about your relationship. ...
- Start a new tradition. ...
- Connect with others. ...
- Allow yourself to feel a range of emotions.
Accept that grief can trigger many different and unexpected emotions. Understand that your grieving process will be unique to you. Seek out face-to-face support from people who care about you. Support yourself emotionally by taking care of yourself physically.Should a grieving person isolate himself? ›
Isolation is an actual health risk so it's important to pay attention to how your coping in the weeks and months following a loss, especially if you're someone who tends to withdraw into oneself. If you see yourself slipping into isolation, it's probably best to try and find a few small ways to connect.What should you eat when grieving? ›
A well-balanced diet is essential as you withstand the stress of grieving. That means eating plenty of vegetables, fruits, and lean proteins, and drinking plenty of water and other healthy liquids. If your appetite is diminished, try eating small portions more frequently.Is it OK to relax while grieving? ›
Rest is especially important during grief as it is an exhausting experience. Allow yourself at least 8 hours of sleep per night and even a time to rest during the day during the first few months of grieving.How does grief change a person? ›
Personality changes like being more irritable, less patient, or no longer having the tolerance for other people's “small” problems. Forgetfulness, trouble concentrating and focusing. Becoming more isolated, either by choice or circumstances. Feeling like an outcast.What happens to a person during grief? ›
Grief can be exhausting and this may weaken the immune system, making people prone to colds and other illness. Grief can affect the appetite and lead to changes in weight. It can affect sleep and leave people feeling very tired. It can also lead to stomach aches, headaches and body aches.What happens to the brain after grief? ›
Your brain is on overload with thoughts of grief, sadness, loneliness and many other feelings. Grief Brain affects your memory, concentration, and cognition. Your brain is focused on the feelings and symptoms of grief which leaves little room for your everyday tasks. and recognize it as a step towards healing.Why grief is the most powerful emotion? ›
Grief is even more powerful, subtle, and complex. This is why it is so overwhelming. It is an amalgam of all our most powerful feelings in a distressing roiling cauldron of emotion. It is anger at the injustice, bitterness about the loss, fear for the future, regrets about the times you were less than perfect.What is the power of grief? ›
It has the potential to shed light on our sameness, bring us closer to those we love and expand our capacity for compassion. Grief is not dark, it is not negative, it is mighty, it is intimate, and it has the power to transform the grieving person, as well as those who surround them.
Bargaining is usually the third stage in grieving, and it is often the shortest. During this time, a person may try to find meaning in the loss and reach out to others to discuss it.What is the most common stage of grief? ›
|can look like:||can feel like:|
|increased alcohol or drug use||overwhelmed|
You may remain in one of the stages of grief for months but skip other stages entirely. This is typical. It takes time to go through the grieving process.What does the Bible say about grief? ›
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.How long is too long to mourn? ›
Contact your doctor or a mental health professional if you have intense grief and problems functioning that don't improve at least one year after the passing of your loved one.How long do spouses live after death? ›
This discovery held true for both men and women. A previous study from 2008 drew a similar conclusion, finding that surviving spouses had up to a 90% chance of dying within the first three months following the death of their spouse.How long does grief brain last? ›
The fog of grief is emotional, mental, and physical and can take time to unravel and release. In most cases, your memory loss and inability to concentrate should lift within a few months and aren't permanent. In some cases, it may take longer.What is the difference between bereavement and grief? ›
Everyone will experience loss at some point in life. However, there is a difference between grief and bereavement. Grief describes the response to any type of loss. Bereavement is grief that involves the death of a loved one.Should I take a day off to grieve? ›
The time, if available, is there to be used at their discretion. However, even though the time isn't required, both employees and employers should advocate for this important employee benefit. Grief can have an impact on your well-being, both physically and emotionally.What not to do when you're grieving? ›
- Do not try to self-medicate your emotional pain away. ...
- Do not avoid the pain you feel. ...
- Do not hide yourself away from friends and family. ...
- Do not focus on regrets, choices you've made, or past actions you've taken. ...
- Do not make major, life-changing decisions.
Your grieving friend only needs your loving support and presence. Attempting to do or say something to fix the situation will only leave you and your friend feeling more powerless. Remember that grief can't be remedied by anything but time, support and compassion.How often should you check on someone who is grieving? ›
Your friend or relative may need you even more after the first few weeks and months, when other people may stop calling. Check in every now and then just to say hello (you may find it helpful to put reminders on your calendar). Most bereaved people find it difficult to reach out and need others to take the initiative.How do you survive grief alone? ›
Tips for coping with grief and bereavement alone:
Make the most of staying single and use the time to care for yourself. Give yourself some alone time to process your emotions. If you have no one to talk to, get in touch with organisations like The Samaritans. Join online and local community groups for support.
Grief tends to end friendships because of a lack of support when needed and expected and because many don't understand the depths of a suffering friend's despair. They lack the knowledge about how grief can affect a person and how you might reconnect with someone after a death.What are the important characteristics of the grieving process? ›
Grief can be divided into four stages: shock and numbness, search and yearning, disorganization/ disorientation, and reorganization/resolution. Sometimes these stages overlap and you may move back and forth between them or you may not experience some of the stages.What are the positive outcomes of grief? ›
Some people find positive experiences following grief and loss, such as a new sense of wisdom, maturity and meaning in life.What is the purpose of a grief and loss group? ›
What is a Grief Support Group? A grief support group offers a different quality of support and connection that comes from being with people who have also recently experienced a loss. Grief support groups provide emotional support, validation, and education about grief.What is the most difficult death to recover from? ›
- The death of a husband or wife is well recognized as an emotionally devastating event, being ranked on life event scales as the most stressful of all possible losses. ...
- There are two distinct aspects to marital partnerships.
Your brain is on overload with thoughts of grief, sadness, loneliness and many other feelings. Grief Brain affects your memory, concentration, and cognition. Your brain is focused on the feelings and symptoms of grief which leaves little room for your everyday tasks.How long should grief last? ›
It's common for the grief process to take a year or longer. A grieving person must resolve the emotional and life changes that come with the death of a loved one. The pain may become less intense, but it's normal to feel emotionally involved with the deceased for many years.
Dr. Gross adds that exercise has the capacity to help the body stay in balance while withstanding the trauma of loss. Easy forms of exercise might include walking, yoga, tai chi, or other forms of mind/body movement. Group fitness classes may offer the added benefit of support.What is grief theory? ›
THEORIES OF GRIEF
Kübler-Ross2 proposed the 'stage theory' where grief proceeded along a series of predictable stages including shock and denial, anger, resentment and guilt, depression, and finally acceptance.
Task 1: To Accept the Reality of the Loss
For example, the reality may begin to set in immediately after the death, when you must call the mortuary, attend the memorial or pick up the ashes.
Grief is a strong, sometimes overwhelming emotion for people, regardless of whether their sadness stems from the loss of a loved one or from a terminal diagnosis they or someone they love have received.